Saturday, July 30, 2005

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Dear everyone,

Hello and welcome to the end of July! As is always the case, I find myself wondering where the time has gone. I'm a bit afraid to try and break down my month, to find out that 63% of my time has gone to laying on the floor, chatting with the ceiling about all of the other things I ought to be doing.
Largely, though, I am glad to see the month gone. July has been one of the toughest months I've had in years; it's been a month full of just trying to keep my head above everything bad. For weeks now I have largely laid off the boys and the better part of the drinking and have fought, daily, to make it through to the next morning. But I have not reverted to old bad behaviors, have not reopened old wounds and headed for the damp comfort of self-destruction. I have made it through one more month, and that puts me one month closer to being a girl you might all be proud of someday.
I have spoken to my grandmother three times in the last five days because I am possessed of a fear that something will happen to her while I am out of town and largely unreachable. I need my grandma.
What I have been doing, recently, is going to shows. I spent my childhood at band practice and at shows, and I did my time as a band girlfriend a few years ago. I have always loved live music. Thursday night's Math and Physics Club show was splendid, just like I knew it would be. I fell briefly and delicately in love with the jumping fellow in Tullycraft, the show opener. And this weekend is the Capitol Hill Block Party. (Monday is Aleksandra's show at ToST, for those of you who have met her or who just like to see a pretty girl rocking out.) I don't remember until I'm there just how much I enjoy the energy that you can only find in a small club, and if it were possible I would vow to go out more often.
But let's face it, I already go out too much. Which is sometimes, of course, not quite enough.
Today I am practically bursting with a secret that involves no one, I think, even remotely involved with this website. But secrecy has been requested of me until next weekend, and so even though you probably won't be able to stop me from talking about it in person, I'll refrain from telling the whole internet. But rest assured that things are most exciting and that I can't wait.
As of yesterday, I am no longer a car owner. This is sort of refreshing, as I haven't really driven my car much since I moved out here, because it is often broken. It's one less unnecessary thing to worry about, and that makes me thrilled.
I did something that was exceptionally bold for the likes of me this week, and have found exactly none of the exhilaration and strength that everyone says you're supposed to get out of going against your character. What I found instead was a good amount of untrustworthy anxiety, and I think I'll stick to at least some of the paths that I'm familiar with, regardless of the fact that what I did in the end produced some amount of the effect I was going for. Not to be, um, cryptic or anything.
My trip is in twelve days and I am scared witless. With any luck at all the month of August will be somewhat less heinous, and maybe I'll throw a party.


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