Wednesday, February 02, 2005

You've been waiting for this, haven't you? Christ, I'm predictable.

Yes, I did indeed go see Douglas Coupland read last night, and yes he was incredibly funny and shook my hand twice. And I asked him to sign not only my copy of his newest book but my copy of Generation X, which is one of those books that have been my crutches for many years. I managed to keep my shit together reasonably well--or anyway, I spoke in complete sentences and made a moderate amount of sense. I don't usually get all that flustered around people but last night I shook and turned red and wrapped my scarf around and around my hands. (That, by the way, is a total lie. Get me in a room with a boy I have a crush on, and I absolutely get that flustered.)

The thing is, you know, that books are better than people. They just are, and there are a certain number of books that keep me going and steady my hands so that I can scrape together enough of myself to fill in the holes. This is the only one of those books written by someone I'll ever be in a room with, and so it's understandably close to a religious experience.

In case you're just tuning in, I have this irritating tendency to be overwhelmingly affected by small things. The last time I saw him read, in July of 2003, I had just moved out here and was feeling transparent and dreadfully lonely. I left the bookstore that day feeling like the world's biggest loser and if you touched me I may just have dissolved.

All this time later, I'm still feeling transparent but less dreadfully lonely. I left the bookstore last night still feeling like the world's biggest loser, but exuberantly so. I was samantha, world's biggest loser, and I felt like I was bursting with all this potential. At the moment, it was a cosmic thing to just be alive on a Tuesday night walking downtown with amazing folk like Steph and Ryan. I felt bigger than the whole world.

Today, of course, I'm back to being me. And that's a touch unfortunate, but it's all I've got--so for the moment, I'm ok with everything. And as always happens in these moments, I'm overwhelmingly grateful to the lot of you for indulging me. You're a star.

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