Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The doctor says that the thumping that my heart is doing is thumping that it has always been doing, a beat in the upper chambers of my heart that happens before a beat would be expected. Faulty wiring. I think even people who have never put a stethoscope to my chest could have figured out that my heart moves in different ways, but it turns out that I'm not being metaphoric when I say that my heart beats in 3/4 time. Which is funny.

But then I had this panic attack and it brought all of my attention to my heartbeat, which doesn't appear to like the attention because it got faster and thumpier and that made me worry more, until apparently I just went and built myself a recursive anxiety feedback loop without even the payoff of having a parasitic twin to blame the whole thing on. Just life and boys and a heart that beats a waltz instead of something you can dance to.

The doctor gave me some tiny, tiny pills that are supposed to divert my attention and in the bargain perhaps help with the nightmares, but I don't know. I am wary of pills in any size, even tiny. Maybe especially tiny. Perhaps just having them in case I really need them will be enough. A tiny white safety blanket.

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