Friday, January 07, 2005

Most of the Important Decision Making People at my company are women, and most of those women have their offices on the same floor of the same building that I'm in. I often run into them in the bathroom.
Now, the thing is that I spent the vast majority of the year at my last job being unable to go to the bathroom at all, and so I'm never sure if there is some sort of bathroom politics that I've been missing out on. If I go into the first stall, will they think, "Hey, that's one take-charge girl. We should give her more money?" I don't normally go into the first one, so it makes me falter. What if I pick up that paper towel that's been dropped on the floor. What will my bathroom decisions mean to the rest of my career.
I doubt they have much of a clue who I am, and I doubt even more that they care what I do in the bathroom. But running into them there makes me nervous.

I've been writing letters for hours tonight. Life went a little crazy in December and so letter writing, like everything else, fell to the side. There was a party I could have gone to tonight instead, no doubt full of fabulous people with fabulous accents, but I was feeling a little too much myself to be comfortable in a group of strangers. I can only do that when I'm pretending to be someone else. What I really wanted was for people to stop by and play charades, but no one stops by in this town. And that's sad because I'm never doing something that can't be postponed.
Instead I stayed home, made cookies, and wrote letters. I had been wanting to write good, full letters, but hadn't lately had the time or the mood. I've been holed up in here all week (with the exception of a couple of beers down the street on Tuesday) taking the measure of things--and not being too neat about it, so it looks a bit like I've been living with Jessica again.
I think I'm about ready to be social again. But maybe not ready to share my cookies.

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