Monday, March 31, 2008

Dear everyone,

Right now, there is someone standing in the parking lot under my apartment shouting "Shelley!" over and over again. Someone is always shouting at or for people in my building, which leads me to assume that my neighbors inspire strong feelings in their friends and lovers.

When Dream and I broke up in December I realized that my last few years have followed a pattern, romantically, a pattern that required subverting because it involved making a lot of bad decisions. As a result I have spent all of these last few months actively not dating and kissing almost no one, which is on both sides unusual for me. And aside from all of the vast amounts of damage that came from that whole suicidal ex-boyfriend debacle, it has been pretty refreshing. Last year was full of layers and universes of drama, and it's been nice to spend whole weeks not worrying about hurting anyone's feelings. In a week I'm heading off to Italy with (almost) no entanglements at all, and it's pretty nice. When I come back, I'll reevaluate.

March felt like a breaking point, like maybe it's time for things to change. Various medical professionals have suggested that my terrible illness was a way of cleaning my cells of all of the terrible parts of the last few months, and if that's true then I only wish that my body had thought of a more pleasant way to go about it. I don't remember the last time I was so sick. But if that's what it takes for life to start moving along a little smoother, then it was probably worth it.

And in a week I'm heading off on an adventure that scares me so completely that it can only be worthwhile, and I'll be spending two weeks alone in a country where I don't speak much of the language. In the end, only good things can come of this.

In the end, only good things can come of any of it.


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