Sunday, December 07, 2003

There are some people around whom I talk too much, and my boyfriend is one of them.
This is already the sort of post that I wasn't planning on making here but dammit, this is my blog and I can do whatever I please.
Right. So as a rule I'm super quiet; I'm the sort of girl that stands there and listens and then just when you think you're done talking I'll ask a question that makes you talk some more. But when I get really nervous I become uncool and I can't seem to shut myself the heck up.
This boy is a revolution for me, and I'm pretty sure I like him ever so much more than he likes me. But he isn't the sort of guy that you can say 'hey, why don't you quantify how much you like me' to.

Let me start over. Jeff is the tall silent mysterious type that just makes me go weak in the knees. And if I just liked him physically, if I just wanted to jump his bones and that was it, then I wouldn't turn into such a stuttering wreck around him. But I have a sneaking suspicion that he may be smarter than me and he's certainly much more talented creatively than me and dammit, I'm not supposed to still turn into a sixteen-year-old around boys.
The whole point of this, fundamentally, is that I've finally met my match and it scares the bejeezus out of me. I think he likes me, in fact I'm almost certain that he does, but the thought that he might not still makes me very, very nervous. And so I don't stop talking and I don't know how to say 'you can tell me to shut up whenever you want' without it sounding like I'm fishing for a backhanded compliment.
The real fact of the matter is that I'm almost constantly fishing for any sort of compliment (read:reassurance) at all, and I hate that.
I hate that I've been trapped by the same insecurities that have been trapping women since before anyone even knew how to spell insecurity.

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