Saturday, April 15, 2006

The giant orange kitty showed up on my balcony tonight, meowing at the back door to get into my apartment. I still have no idea where it actually belongs.

I'm tired tonight, and all of my edges are showing. The mail brought a package full of the usual miscellany from my grandmother, but also a beautiful ring that my grandad had made for me. My grandad is a quiet, hard drinking man, and I often forget that I am his only grandchild and that he loves me just as thoroughly as my grandmother does, just in a reticent engineer sort of way. I'm an unbelievably lucky girl to have the grandparents that I do. This is the first time that I can remember that he's ever given me a gift, and I'm undone.

Which isn't to say that I haven't been slowly unraveling all day, because I have. There are situations that I need to confront and just don't have the energy to take in hand, people for whom I need to lay out my cards. Tobes reminded me today that I'm supposed to be learning the fact that attention does not equal interest, and also that all interest isn't good interest. "Mouse," he said to me at one point, all self-important, "sometimes people think they're being clever when they're really being mean. And mean is what you need to keep away from, because you're made of glass." I'm too delicate, he says, but he means it in a mostly good way. And the problem with being friends so many years is that I can't deny the things he says because he's usually right.

Dear monsters under my bed, please go away. Love, me.

I've been having the same dream about elliptical and circular orbits lately, still convinced that I need to figure out what happens in the intersections.

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