Saturday, June 30, 2007

Dear everyone,

Leaving the bar at closing time last night, after an impromptu dance party to "It's the End of the World as We Know It" and a disappointing round of, "Hey, who is that guy you were just talking to?" "Oh, he's [some guy]. But he's also gay," someone spotted a guy in a penguin suit across the street and down the block. And without a second thought we all took off running after him, chasing him down to take pictures with him.
And I've been having a tough time of it lately, but there was absolutely nowhere else I'd rather have been.

I finally had to sit myself down this month and point out to me that I went and got my heart pretty thoroughly cracked during the first half of this year. It's my own stupid fault, because I decide I want something and then pursue it with a stubborn single-mindedness of purpose, regardless of any bearings on reality. Which doesn't make it hurt any less, just makes me feel foolish on top of it. I've spent the rest of my time throwing myself into situations that are going to end badly, if they haven't already, because I've been trying to ignore the aching around the edges of those cracks, but I finally gave in and brought back the no touching rule. I just don't know what to do next.
I guess I wait until everything heals back up.

And today my horoscope said this: "It's tough to let go of the way we want things to be and learn to accept how they really are. But once you do, you'll see that reality is the only safe place to stand -- and that it's not such a bad place after all." Which is pretty much what I've been thinking myself.

Today is the 99th anniversary of the Tunguska event, the 1908 meteroid explosion in Russia that leveled 850 square miles of Siberian trees and meddled with the Earth's atmosphere for months. This is important to remember because everything is important to remember. Because something could knock down all of my own trees any minute now, and there's really no way to be ready for it.

Next week is the 4th of July, and maybe people are coming over to watch fireworks. I haven't had a party yet this year, but I do dearly love getting the people that I love into one place and basking in their collective presence. I know a lot of really amazing people.

I keep wanting a reduction in the size of the feeling parts of my brain, but that's not actually true. It isn't what I really want. Everything has been hard, but it's been hard in a way that I am extraordinarily lucky to be able to feel. As long as I keep that in mind, I should make it through alright. As long as you're all there with me.



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